Swim Good

It was exhausting the way I loved you.

I threw every ounce of myself into it.

I dived head first at your heart,

but just as I should've hit the water,

I hit a brick wall.

Where a splash should have been,

was a scream of pain, 

Your guard was up,

and I was left battered and bruised,

with a heavy heart,

and even heavier loss. 

~A.T

That awkward moment when you tell someone how you feel...

The expectation of forgiveness

People fuck up. That's what they do. They fuck up. After they do they come back in search of forgiveness. Depicting on how bad they f'd up forgiveness may seem like a thing extremely out of reach. Then for some that did something petty know that they'll be forgiven sooner or later. Then there are those that constantly f' up because they simply know that no matter what they do you'll forgive them. Those are the ones that are taking advantage of your forgiveness. They expect forgiveness no matter what they do, not realizing that their actions could hurt you but they do it because they don't think you can be hurt. For every wrong doing that they do you shrug it off and act like it never happened. You continue to be polite, be their friend all with a smile on your face as if they could do no wrong. Oblivion suits no one. Acknowledge whats in front of your face. Don't let them continue to take advantage of you! As long as you allow it, they'll continue to do it. Cut yourself off from them *silent treatment* until they get the memo. Call them out on their shit! Do something. No one deserves to be walked over and mistreated. No one.

The pyramid of Confidence

Why do we as women lack so much confidence? We look at our reflection in the mirror and hate what we see. How is it that we can hate our reflection? Hate ourselves. Our bodies. Were given these bodies, they're our temples. The home and shell of our souls. Yet we hate the way it looks outside. Why? Because we've been brainwashed. Were lead to believe that the image that we see in the media is the way that were meant to look. It's the media's idea of beauty. If you don't look that way then you are not beautiful. Well, that's not true. Were all different. No one looks exactly alike. *Unless you have a twin, but even so there are things that set them apart so that you can tell the difference* So if everyone looks different then how is it that one look is the set definition of beauty? Are we not all beautiful? There are characteristics about us all that makes us beautiful, makes us different, special, unique. Why not embrace that uniqueness and celebrate it? Why not be different and be our own kind of beautiful? Why not be the type of beautiful that people cant figure out? The type where people want stare because they can't put their finger on it but it's something about you. Be your own kind of beautiful. Not what everyone else says is beautiful. When you look in the mirror you should love what you see, and if you don't it's time you learned to love it because your not going to be given another body. This is the only one you've got, and the only one you'll get. Hating it will get you no where. Neither will harming it. Cutting yourself... It's a bad habit that people have. Cutting their arms and legs when they're sad, or depressed or things aren't working out. I personally could never do that due to my fear of needles. But some people can and do. That only harms your body, and leaves nasty scars on you that never go away. Why destroy your body? I believe that if you cut yourself there's hope that one day you will once again regain the love for your body, but when you do you'll regret the scars that are left behind. So as a word of advice, don't do it...
One thing that i've noticed is that the "Big Girls" are the ones with the most confidence. They don't give a shit!!! They wear what they want, and they do it with confidence! They are flawless and fierce, and loving life in their bodies! They have so much confidence it's crazy! They're rocking bikini's, lingerie modeling, and everything! I wish I had that type of confidence. We should all wish we had that type of confidence. But confidence isn't something you can buy or acquire in a day. It's something that takes time and has to be built within yourself. So my suggestion is that we all begin building our pyramid of confidence and begin living our lives with confidence.

Happy Thursday.

It's thursday February 14. Just another day of the week. But for some of you all it's Valentines day. *Vomits* Because there should be at least one day out of the year when people suddenly feel they should express this undying love that they have for you by buying you gifts and doing nice things for you like theres not 365 other days that they can show this so called love they have for you. Oh. Yeah, let that sink in for a bit.
Why is Valentines day such a big deal? Ummm because the media makes you believe that it's a big deal. As well as all the stores, movies, commercials etc... Valentines is just another day of the year. Especially for the single people. But some of the singles choose to make this national "salty af, depressed, I'm gonna eat my weight in chocolate" Day. Yeah, that's a good look. If you truly love someone you'll show 365 days a year. You don't just buy them gifts on this one day, you do it periodically, randomly, just because. Not because it's expected. I'm pretty sure if your girl was really down for you she really wouldn't even be that mad that you didn't get her anything. I'm sure she might be disapointed but I highly doubt she'd break up with you or something stupid like that. So because I truly don't care to elaborate on my dislike for the holiday, which is truly not a holiday because everyone still had to go to work and school, I really have nothing more to say. SO, Happy Thursday.

Cleaning up the mess

Cleaning up the mess. The mess known as my life that I didn't create on my own. But yet i'm the only person left here to clean it up. My life is like a house party. Everyone comes, has a good time, talks shit, makes a mess, and when the night is over everyone goes home to their clean homes, and i'm the one left with a trashed house and have to clean the mess up on my own. That's my life right now. The after effects of a house party. Everyones came into my life, had a good time, rode the bandwagon when things were going good, supported me 100%, became my friend, added their two cents, and influenced my decision making. Now that things aren't going so good everyone jumps off the bandwagon withdraws their support, and gives me the cold shoulder. Ouch. You think that hurts much?
Now here i am trying to clean up the mess on my own and I turn to the ones who i'd hoped would never turn their backs on me yet, they too have given me the cold shoulder. Left me out in the cold. Which hurts even worse.
Now here I am, alone.
With no one to turn to because it seems as though the world is against me in everything I attempt to do. And as a human, we seek that approval and support, but when you don't get it, you do feel alone. I'm speaking from experience here. We need that in our lives. Without it we feel as though there's no point. No purpose. Which in turn leads to suicidal notions...
Then there's that point when you try to convince yourself that you keep going for yourself. You keep going to prove to everyone that you could do it, even without them. But at the end of the day proving them wrong does nothing but make them turn their noses up at you, and still there's no one there to be proud of you. So again you ask "What's the point?"
Well... I don't know. I don't have a point. I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm still trying to clean up the mess that everyone's helped make with no support, no love, no advice, no one. Because right now all i've got is me. Which is something you know everyone says is "all i got is me, myself and I" but when that becomes your reality that truly all you have is "Me, Myself and I" you realize that's not enough...  But truthfully speaking at the end of the day all you have is yourself. When everyone else is gone, there's still you... And that's where I am.
There's me.
And me alone.
Cleaning up the mess...

It's not that simple...

When it comes to working out and getting in shape.... Lord knows how hard it really is. We all are so desperate to loose weight but were just so lazy, and expect it to just disappear... Well it doesn't work like that, and sometimes i even have to remind myself of that. Weight simple doesn't just disappear. If it did trust me, i would've rid of mine a long time ago. The only way to get into shape is to exercise and eat healthy. If your a college student like myself this is easier said than done with the limited food options we have on campus eating healthy sometimes just isn't possible. And I of all people understand that. But we can balance that out by exercising whenever we can. And with crazy schedules that's also easier said than done. But if your serious about loosing the weight you'll do it. And there's numerous things you can do. Visit your campus rec center or gym. And if you don't have one or you're not the type to go to a gym, you can do like myself and work out in your room. Focus your exercises on the particular body parts that you want to get in shape such as your tummy, thighs, or arms. I personally prefer to exercise because it makes me feel better about myself as well as keeping my body toned... which is what im working towards as opposed to loosing weight. Everything with me is more about maintaining the weight that i am, and not gaining. *Which is very hard when your living off of chick-fil-a and moes.* So i've developed a game plan. I took a p.e. course this semester but honestly we don't do too much of anything. So in addition to that i have started to work out 15 min. a day 3 times a week in my room. Hopefully once i begin to build my endurance back up, i can endure longer times and can build up to 4 times a week. I'm proud of myself because i'm already off to a good start! But best of luck to everyone with their exercise endeavors.