Before i begin with the rest of this blog. Let me just first of all clarify what "XoXo" is for those of you who may not know... hugs and kisses. Glad we established that. Now moving on.
Today (september 27th) is the eve of my birthday. Yes, i'll be 19 tomorrow. Another year older, another year wiser... etc... and all that good stuff. I am truly blessed and highly favored. I've never really lost anyone close to me. I've never been severely injured, no broken bones, nada. I've always had a roof over my head, and food on my table. I can truly say that God has looked over me. For me to say otherwise would be a complete lie. I've always had friends, and never gotten into real trouble. I've always somehow gotten just about everything i've ever wanted, and if my parents (and grandparents) couldn't get me exactly what i wanted they came damn near close to it. I've always had love, and a support system, full of great friends and a large family. You could say i've lived a charmed life.
This year however will be different. This year i'll be spending my birthday alone. With no family or loved ones to hug me, and wish me happy birthday. This year all i'll be getting is phone calls, text messages, and fb post. Why? Once again the source of everything wrong with my life. College. Words can not express the hatred i have for Valdosta. I can not possibly wait to get the hell off from down here. I just pray that I make it through the year. So that i can get out of here. But, it's really sad and depressing that i'll be alone for my birthday. It doesn't even feel like my birthday. And it really hadn't even doned upon me that my birthday was tomorrow until 1:30 am last night. It's really sad. I feel heartbroken, unloved, and unimportant. But "it be like that sometimes" as they say. All i really want for my birthday is to go home and see my mom, and dad, and even brother, and for them to hug me and tell me "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOO!" Hearing it over the phone isn't the same as hearing it through a phone call. It seems so impersonal, and fake. But it's whatever. Right?
WRONG!
I'd give anything in the world right about now to go home and see my parents for my birthday. Or for them to come to me. Sometimes you never realize how much some people mean to you until there not there anymore. "You don't know what you got 'till it's gone." that is the truest quote. It's crazy how you can go from being a socialite, talking to so many people daily, to talking to no one but yourself. I guess tomorrow i'll sing happy birthday to myself and try not to break down into tears from the utter loneliness that i feel. Although i'm pretty sure i'll be in tears by midnight, and just completely depressed.
So happy birthday to me. XoXo to myself, because no one else can.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
I remember, how could i forget?
"I remember how could I forget how you feel." ~ Frank Ocean
-thinking bout you
The process of getting over somebody, is ridiculously long, hard, and difficult. Especially considering how you may think your completely over somebody but then all it takes is a look, a hug, a "hi", or even a picture that can completely send you right back to where you started. I personally think that it's impossible to be 100% over a person. It just isn't going to happen, because a peice of you will always have feelings for that person. That will probably never go away.
You can't erase feelings. If we could, believe me i would've done that a long time ago. But you just cant. You simply have to accept how you feel, and deal with the circumstances of the situation. Wheather that situation is going in your favor or not. And seeing as how this particular post is about moving on, lets just say that it's not in your favor. Unfortunatly things don't always work out in relationships, and we all know that. Sometimes you might be in the process of trying to be in a relationship, or just might have a serious crush and for whatever reason it just doesn't work out. So now that you have all of these built up emotions, what are you supposed to do, because you cant just make it go away. You can't help but to feel something. Especially hurt. That feeling of complete hurt is when the healing process begins. Now that you've realized that it's over but your somewhat heart broken you can now pick up the peices of your broken heart and begin to put them back together. This is easier said then done. It's gonna take a lot of time, dedication, and persistance to get over it. Sometimes you might feel the urge to hold a grudge and you might even be bitter, but lets be honest, thats not the way to go. DONT LET THE WRONG GUY MESS YOU UP FOR THE RIGHT GUY. That is a very important statement. infact i feel that i shoud say it again: DONT LET THE WRONG GUY MESS YOU UP FOR THE RIGHT GUY. O.k. that's two times. Hopefully you got the memo. Now i'm positive that unless you went off to college, or moved away, that it's going to be near impossible to completely avoid this person. (be it guy, or girl, no judgment.) So the next time you see them are you going to
A.) burst into tears
B.) give him the death stare
C.) randomly spaz, and completely go off on him
D.) play it cool smile, and keep it moving.
Using common sense which one sounds like the best answer? If you said anything other than D. you might want to seriously consider re-evaluating your life. D. is the best answer. Don't let him know that he's gotten under your skin. Trust me, them knowing that they got you is the biggest reward for them. Not only that now that they see what kind of affect they have on you they will continue to toy with your emotions just for the fun of it. Don't give them that power. Don't let them have it. Be the bigger person. At least on the outside. I'm sure that you'll be dying on the inside damn near tears, but on the outside don't let that out.
I know that it's hard. Especially when it's someone who was your first love. You never forget your first love. Although you may try, it's not going to happen. I promise you you'll always remember. And you may ask yourself what was i thinking, but he'll always have a soft spot in your heart.
Moral of the post is, It's hard to get over someone. It really is, but we have to try. And even though we can put everything we have into moving on, it's impossible to forget, and feelings don't just disapear so it's impossible to fully get over someone. But don't worry, your not alone.
-thinking bout you
The process of getting over somebody, is ridiculously long, hard, and difficult. Especially considering how you may think your completely over somebody but then all it takes is a look, a hug, a "hi", or even a picture that can completely send you right back to where you started. I personally think that it's impossible to be 100% over a person. It just isn't going to happen, because a peice of you will always have feelings for that person. That will probably never go away.
You can't erase feelings. If we could, believe me i would've done that a long time ago. But you just cant. You simply have to accept how you feel, and deal with the circumstances of the situation. Wheather that situation is going in your favor or not. And seeing as how this particular post is about moving on, lets just say that it's not in your favor. Unfortunatly things don't always work out in relationships, and we all know that. Sometimes you might be in the process of trying to be in a relationship, or just might have a serious crush and for whatever reason it just doesn't work out. So now that you have all of these built up emotions, what are you supposed to do, because you cant just make it go away. You can't help but to feel something. Especially hurt. That feeling of complete hurt is when the healing process begins. Now that you've realized that it's over but your somewhat heart broken you can now pick up the peices of your broken heart and begin to put them back together. This is easier said then done. It's gonna take a lot of time, dedication, and persistance to get over it. Sometimes you might feel the urge to hold a grudge and you might even be bitter, but lets be honest, thats not the way to go. DONT LET THE WRONG GUY MESS YOU UP FOR THE RIGHT GUY. That is a very important statement. infact i feel that i shoud say it again: DONT LET THE WRONG GUY MESS YOU UP FOR THE RIGHT GUY. O.k. that's two times. Hopefully you got the memo. Now i'm positive that unless you went off to college, or moved away, that it's going to be near impossible to completely avoid this person. (be it guy, or girl, no judgment.) So the next time you see them are you going to
A.) burst into tears
B.) give him the death stare
C.) randomly spaz, and completely go off on him
D.) play it cool smile, and keep it moving.
Using common sense which one sounds like the best answer? If you said anything other than D. you might want to seriously consider re-evaluating your life. D. is the best answer. Don't let him know that he's gotten under your skin. Trust me, them knowing that they got you is the biggest reward for them. Not only that now that they see what kind of affect they have on you they will continue to toy with your emotions just for the fun of it. Don't give them that power. Don't let them have it. Be the bigger person. At least on the outside. I'm sure that you'll be dying on the inside damn near tears, but on the outside don't let that out.
I know that it's hard. Especially when it's someone who was your first love. You never forget your first love. Although you may try, it's not going to happen. I promise you you'll always remember. And you may ask yourself what was i thinking, but he'll always have a soft spot in your heart.
Moral of the post is, It's hard to get over someone. It really is, but we have to try. And even though we can put everything we have into moving on, it's impossible to forget, and feelings don't just disapear so it's impossible to fully get over someone. But don't worry, your not alone.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
The (REAL)ities of Depression
Depression, we as females know all about that. Getting your heart broken by some boy, then locking yourself away in your room with a pint of your favorite ben and jerry's, your favorite blanket, and a marathon of some t.v. show. We know it as a temporary sadness that last for a few days then we get over it. But for some people it's not temporary. That sadness is long term, and difficult to get over. And it becomes a serious illness if untreated that could potentially lead to suicide. It's very important to recognize the symptoms of clinical depression:
Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
Fatigue and decreased energy
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
Irritability, restlessness
Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
Overeating or appetite loss
Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
Now that you know the symptoms you can now recognize them if they should occur to you. Depression is a very serious matter that shouldn't be taken lightly. I know how easy it is to brush it off and ignore it, or brush it off. But you can not ignore how you feel. It's important for your mental stability. If for any reason you feel depressed because your unhappy in your life or the circumstances in your life and you feel as though you cant overcome your depression you should talk to your doctor. I understand how it feels to be depressed. It truly is a feeling of helplessness. Like no one hears your cries for help, and can help you out of your stupor. It's very hard to cope with alone. And no one should have to. But some people do. And they sometimes don't make it out of their situation. So in order to avoid this situation you should talk to someone. And sometimes parents like to shrug it off and say that nothing is wrong with you. But truly deep within you know that feeling of helplessness wont go away. Get help! It's ok, don't be ashamed about it. Be proud that your doing something about it and trying to get better. Because eventually someone will hear your cry for help. I just hope someone hears mine.
Now that you know the symptoms you can now recognize them if they should occur to you. Depression is a very serious matter that shouldn't be taken lightly. I know how easy it is to brush it off and ignore it, or brush it off. But you can not ignore how you feel. It's important for your mental stability. If for any reason you feel depressed because your unhappy in your life or the circumstances in your life and you feel as though you cant overcome your depression you should talk to your doctor. I understand how it feels to be depressed. It truly is a feeling of helplessness. Like no one hears your cries for help, and can help you out of your stupor. It's very hard to cope with alone. And no one should have to. But some people do. And they sometimes don't make it out of their situation. So in order to avoid this situation you should talk to someone. And sometimes parents like to shrug it off and say that nothing is wrong with you. But truly deep within you know that feeling of helplessness wont go away. Get help! It's ok, don't be ashamed about it. Be proud that your doing something about it and trying to get better. Because eventually someone will hear your cry for help. I just hope someone hears mine.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Alone in the crowd...
It's crazy how surrounded by hundreds and thousands of other people you can manage to feel all alone. Like you have no one, but you're surrounded by people. I know what that's like. I go to a school that's not the largest university, but it's big enough and has plenty of people. But still somehow i feel alone. I've made a couple of friends but i still manage to feel alone. I spend so much time in my jail cell, or rather my dorm room. And it's not the most pleasent place to be with it's white walls, and my unnerving roommate. I have honestly never been so unhappy in my life. I am forever depressed. Choosing to go to a school far away was not the best idea. It's actually the biggest mistake i have ever made in my life. And i fully intend to transfer close to home next year. I wish i could transfer next semester but... My dad refuses to allow me to do such a thing. I feel like I could cry, but i have to constantly remind myself to be a big girl, and grow up. But i don't want to. I don't want to be here. I don't want to grow up. I want to go back home, and be with my parents. As much as my dad got on my last nerve and was forever cursing me out i'd rather be there than here anyday. I'm so alone. And it's beginning to seem desperate. I'm not the best at making friends, and i honestly don't even want to make friends. I want my old friends back, but they all grew up, and made new friends. Lucky them. They all love their schools, and are making friends and having a great time in college. Me on the other hand sit here almost in tears desperately wishing i could turn back the hands of time and go back to highschool. But i can't. I have to move on and grow up because i dont have a choice but to do so. I've made a mess of my life and have no one to blame but myself. who else could i blame? I just pray that it gets better and some glimmer of happines shines down upon me to brighten my gloom. And as for being alone... with these hundreds and thousands of other people, i'd much rather fuck with the squirrels than these people.
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